I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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