Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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