you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
