I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
