My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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