so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
