How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
