After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
