When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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