why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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