just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
