Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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