We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
