Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize