hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
