Your tits are I can't wait for
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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