i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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