She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
