so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
