whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How does one acquire holy water?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
