I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
