How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
