theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
