Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
