Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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