Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
