I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
