dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
