I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
