I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize