Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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