all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
