Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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