I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
