If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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