These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
