Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
