My liver just broke up with me...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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