I think I won the penis lottery.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
