apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
