So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm both gender and math confused
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
