Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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