dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
