I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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