You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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