We won't sleep together?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize