Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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