i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
40s are totally the cure
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
