so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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