Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
