I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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