Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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