There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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