my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
