Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize