we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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