1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
