My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
