Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize