i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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