the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
