Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I would ride that face into the sunset
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
