he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
