she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
