Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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