I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
