nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
